22 JULY 2025 www.goodnewsfl.org Good News • South Florida Edition PARENTING One of the things that can wear on a parent’s nerves, especially during summertime is arguing. It is good for your lawyer to enjoy arguing because that is what they are trained to do, but perhaps that is why some children do a lot of arguing. As parents, we may have inadvertently trained our child to argue. If you have a child who constantly argues about everything, ask yourself “Why?” When he does not get what he wants, does he argue? Does he whine? Does his arguing or temper tantrum get him what he wants? After a while, does he break you down to the point where you find yourself saying, “Okay, you can watch more television this time, but next time I mean it when I say only one hour!” When the child's persistent arguing gets him what he wants, why not keep it up. He got what he wanted by arguing rather than by obeying. Under that kind of “training program,” why not argue. No one wants to hear the word, “No!” However, “No” does not really mean anything definitive. If a parent says “No,” but family history has proven that the child’s quest for a “Yes” is achieved by arguing, why not keep trying. Classic arguing techniques There are many different and creative arguing techniques children are unintentionally taught in order to turn a “No” into a “Yes.” To keep it lighthearted, lets assign them names that describe the technique. One could be called the Coyote Approach. This happens when the child whines and howls until the parent caves in. The parent just cannot take the constant pleading. Then there is the Gorilla Approach. When this child hears “No” he throws himself to the ground, beats the ground and has a temper tantrum. This is especially effective in public, as it embarrasses the parent into buying the child whatever he originally asked for. Perhaps the most sophisticated is the Macaw Approach. This bird keeps asking “why” and breaks down the parent’s will to live with the constant response of “Yes, but...” Finally, in desperation the parent caves in. A flawed parental system Parents cave into arguing and yelling because it is the easiest thing to do at that moment. In the end, however, it will turn the parent/child relationship into a nightmare. The parent has no control. By far, the worst by-product of training a child to be an arguer is that the child will grow up and continue this behavior. No one wants to be around an incessant arguer or whiner. Children need to be trained in how to respond in the right way to authority figures, such as a teacher or boss. Why does a child argue in the first place? First, because the child wants what they are focused upon, and second, it is natural to argue. It is childish behavior when kids are little but it is the parents’ fault if the child continues to argue when they are older. The child continues to argue because the parental system is flawed and has made arguing a big payoff for the child. Parents might ask, “Why go through all the trouble to change a flawed parental system?” There are three reasons to change the system. First, change the system so that the child learns to stop arguing with every authority figure in his/her life. Second, change the system so that other people, including parents, can enjoy being around the child. Third, change the system so that the child can grow up to become a marriageable and employable adult. Set consistent boundaries Where does a parent begin? The key word here is “consistency.” The Bible says that we are to speak in such a way as to let your yes mean yes and your no mean no…not maybe! (James 5:12) In other words mean what you say the first time. The child needs to be taught that a parent means what he says and will never cave in and reward arguing, begging or temper tantrums. Be consistent! One of the things that I have learned in parenting is not to knee jerk in responses. If I am needing to be consistent and follow through with what I have said, then I can’t answer flippantly. I have gotten myself in trouble with answering a question that is maybe just a preference of mine (and not a hill to die on), like what shoes need to be worn, and have had to follow through. This became a major battle over something that in the long run really didn’t matter. It taught me to take my time in answering if I was going to let my “yes be yes and my “no be no.” For the long-time arguer, it will take a much longer period to un-teach the old behavior and teach the child the new “arguing will no longer get you what you want” lesson. The child will doubt that you will hold your ground. However, you must do just that - hold your ground. This is also a good opportunity to sit down with your older child and let them know that things are changing. When we have had to make household changes on things, it helped to have “family meeting.” The ultimate reason to go through all this trouble is so that you can enjoy your child. It is hard to enjoy or even be around a constant arguer. The arguer is the child you want to leave at home when you go to the store. Remember, this is the child that needs the extra relationship attention. As the parent, set consistent boundaries lines on the relationship playing field so that you can have fun with your child. Remember that you are training with the future in mind! Your child’s future employer and spouse will thank you. Visit parentingonpurpose.org for more advice from Dr. Bob Barnes and Torrey Roberts. - Dr. Bob Barnes and Torrey Roberts - Sheridan House Family Ministries From Coyote Whines to Gorilla Tantrums: Taming the Artful Arguers in Your Home
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