THE CODE 14 october 2024 www.goodnewsfl.org Good News • South Florida edition “Though I might be very bold in Christ to command you what is fitting, yet for love's sake I rather appeal to you — being such a one as Paul the aged, and now also a prisoner of Jesus Christ —I appeal to you for my son Onesimus, whom I have begotten while in my chains, who once was unprofitable to you, but now is profitable to you and to me” (Philemon 1:8–11). After beginning with the important place that affirmation plays in relationships, Paul then turned to what can be described as the win-win principle. This concept was made popular by Stephen Covey in his blockbuster bestseller The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. But long before Covey wrote on the subject, Paul had already perfected it. In verses 8-11, Paul was appealing to Philemon to see how they all can come out winners in this relationship. Relationship models Some relationships are built on competition. These fall into the category of win-lose relationships. That is, some will only stay in a relationship in which they always win and the other person always loses. They feel they always have to take center stage, win every argument, and be in control. In fact, it is not enough that they always have to win; they are not content unless the other party always loses. These types of relationships, built on competition, never win in the long run because everyone ends up losing. Take, for example, a husband and a wife. He constantly orders her around the house. He coerces and controls. After a while, her resentment is sure to build. For years he thinks he is winning. But one day he wakes up to see she has had enough and is gone. And in the end, they both end up losing. This also can happen with parent-and-child relationships, when a parent thinks he or she has to win every argument, keep a thumb on the kid, and control them by withholding the use of the car. The child leaves home one day and seldom returns, and they all end up in the loss column. Those who play the game of relationships in a spirit of competition-the win-lose principle-never are real winners in the long run. When the final whistle blows, everyone ends up losing. Some relationships are built on compromise. This can be referred to as the losewin relationship. Some people have such low feelings of self-worth that they feel the only way they can maintain a relationship is to always let the other party win and sacrifice their own desires, hoping that, in turn, they will be accepted. They think by allowing the other party to win every argument and dominate every situation, this will somehow help them maintain the relationship. Relationships built on compromise, like those built on competition, produce little, if any, long-term positive results. In the end, both parties end up losing. It is difficult over time to maintain respect for someone who plays the relationship game in the lose-win arena. Other relationships are built on complacency. These can be referred to as lose-lose relationships. These people are really more interested in seeing the other lose than in seeing themselves win. Misery, for some, loves company. This type of individual is complacent, never putting much into a relationship and never expecting much in return. Those who play the game like this lose in life and will stay in a relationship as long as the other party is losing as well. But as soon as some good fortune may come to the other party, they usually go on their way. Sadly, some people have lost in life and have such a low level of self-confidence that they find a comfort level in lose-lose relationships. Like the other relationships already mentioned, with those who play lose-lose, everyone ends up losing. Complacency sets in and produces no real winners in relationships. Then there are those relationships built on capitulation. Having no relational resilience, these people simply quit. When things don't go their way, they just pick up their ball and go home. We all know people who get started and then stop. They have been involved in one relationship after another, and every new one is "the right one." But after a short while, it is over, and on to the next. For some, it seems easier to just walk away and move on to what is next. Like those who play lose-win, relationships based on capitulation never produce any results. The reason is obvious: everyone ends up losing. Another way some people play the relationship game is on the field of cancellation. These people never actually get in the game because they forfeit before the first whistle ever blows. For whatever reason, they never make the slightest effort in a relationship. It is impossible to sustain a relationship that never really got started in the first place. Sadly, through this type of passivity, others are kept from mutually beneficial relationships that might have been. Biblical examples There is a better way to begin and sustain positive relationships. Those who play by the win-win principle find cooperation. Win-win relationships are always mutually beneficial. This person is wise enough to know that if the other party in the relationship wins, he or she ends up winning as well. Or, as Pual said to Philemon, Onesimus “now is profitable to you and to me” (v. 11). The wise husband always seeks what is best for his wife and knows that when she wins, he wins as well. A mom always wants what is best for her child. At the office, wise managers know that if the company helps the customers win, they can stay in business. The most productive relationships in life are built on cooperation, the win-win principle. Relationships built on competition (win-lose) do not get very far before they disintegrate. Zacchaeus tried to play this game. Most of us remember his story. He ripped off others and played win-lose with many of the people in Jericho. But one day he saw the light, embraced a win-win attitude, restored what he had cheated from others, and ended up being the most popular person at the party (Luke 19:1-10). Relationships built on compromise (lose-win) don't get very far either. The woman of Sychar played this game. She possessed such low self-esteem that she felt the only way to get any attention was to play in the loser's bracket, allowing the men of the town to win by using her. But one day she met a Man at a well and learned how to play winwin. She went back to those very people and introduced them to this One who had changed the way she thought about herself And everyone in Sychar ended up winning (John 4). The dying thief spent his life playing on the field of complacency (lose-lose). Talk about a guy who had lost in life and waited until it was almost too late. But nailed to a Roman cross, he connected with his Maker, who hung on a middle cross next to him, and they both ended up on the winning team (Luke 23:43). Elijah capitulated. After winning the big prize on Mount Carmel, the next day an interpersonal relationship spat with a queen named Jezebel sent him on a journey of capitulation that ended with him in a cave contemplating suicide (1 Kings 19). How to win The point is, no matter how you have fared in relationships across the years, you can get on a winning team today. Jesus of Nazareth was not just some musty-smelling character from bygone days, a figment of someone's imagination, who is totally irrelevant in our twenty-first-century world. He is alive and can do for us what He did for so many in the Gospels. He walked around, lifting people out of their losing ways and putting them in win-win relationships with Himself. Paul found himself on Jesus’ team and passed the ball to Philemon — and to us. Now, how do we get in the game ourselves? In Paul’s letter to Philemon, he revealed four critical steps to the win-win principle of relationships. Step one: be sensitive. Step two: be submissive. Step three: be supportive. And step four: be sensible. It is time now to turn the page in the book of your life to the next chapter of positive and productive interpersonal relationships. Taken from The Connection Code by O.S. Hawkins. Copyright © 2023 by Dr. O.S. Hawkins. Used by permission of Thomas Nelson. O. S. Hawkins is the chancellor of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. He has served pastorates, including the First Baptist Church in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and the First Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas, for more than 25 years. - Dr. O.S. Hawkins - Chancellor, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary The Win-Win Principle
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