20 September 2024 www.goodnewsfl.org Good News • South Florida edition PARENTING This summer I got to take my kids to the new Inside Out 2 movie. It seems to have reawakened discussions of allowing emotions to “take the wheel.” While this movie introduced new characters that come along with age such as Anxiety, Envy and Embarrassment, we were truly shown what happens when one negative emotion is allowed to rule above all others. The emotion that seems most intense for parents when it takes over is anger. Some children hear the word “No” and they become frustrated or argue. They are disappointed, but they remain in control. Other children hear the same word and explode into rage. Some adults can discuss differences of opinion and work through conflict. Other adults only need to be inconvenienced the least bit on the highway and they explode into rage. It is all about anger! Anger is arguably the most debilitating to relationships of all. When a parent sees rage explode out of their child, there is a feeling of helplessness. When an adult sees rage erupt from their spouse, fear clouds the house and the relationship is momentarily killed. Why do some people handle their anger while other people seem to be handled by their anger? Anger in and of itself is only an emotion. The Bible tells us to “Be angry, and do not sin…” (Ephesians 4:26a). There is an acknowledgement in this verse that states the fact that anger is an emotion, and it must be dealt with. We will feel anger, but we must not allow anger to control us. In other words, deal with it before you allow it to cause you to sin. Venting Rarely is the circumstance that brings forth the outburst of anger the real cause of the anger. The fact that someone gets in front of me on the highway, causing me to have to slow down, cannot possibly be the reason for my outrageous thoughts or behavior. It is only the vent for anger. Anger is like an underground irrigation system on a lawn. Like the water, it keeps moving and building up force until it finds a place (a sprinkler) to gush out all over everyone. The anger is an emotional reality, but it must be dealt with long before it reaches the sprinklers. When we see inappropriate “venting” of anger in our children and don’t help them learn how to deal with it appropriately, we are not setting them up for success. It will become a guiding and ruining force later in adulthood. It will get a foothold in the door of that person’s personality and be more difficult to eradicate later in life (Ephesians 4:27). Different kinds of anger There are two kinds of anger we see in our children. One is when a child does not get his or her way. They erupt and lash out at the authority figure in front of them. A second kind of anger outburst comes from frustration. This type of anger outburst happens when a child cannot perform a task they are trying to do, and they begin throwing objects across the room. Neither outburst is about the circumstances at hand. Both are warning signs of anger that is getting control. It is not easy to pinpoint where uncontrollable anger outbursts originate. Sometimes one child’s anger outbursts are the warning signs of a whole family in pain. One child might go into a shell while the other child announces the family hurts by exploding all over parents or life in general. Emotional pain is difficult for a child to talk about. He does not have the words and often he does not have a listening ear to help pull it out of him. Fear is another anger cause. Anger erupts in some people when they feel betrayed or unimportant to the people they love. Trust, or the lack of trust, seems to be an outburst button for some people. The feeling that they thought they could trust a parent, a person they loved, a pastor or an employer causes some people to build a wall and battle anyone else that tries to go beyond the wall. Some anger outbursts are not so much deep-seated anger as it is learned behavior. The child’s tantrums show frustration over a parental system that is flawed. Over time the child has been inadvertently taught that the parent’s “No” means no on some occasions, but other times that same parent’s “No” really means maybe. Experience has taught the child that loud outbursts often pay off. Learning to deal with anger A parent cannot take the anger away from the child, but a parent can certainly set the stage for the child to deal with the anger in an appropriate manner. First, think through the times when the child or young person has angry outbursts. Is there any pattern? Is it with one authority figure more than the others? If you can identify the pattern or person, you can be prepared to help the child work through the emotion. Second, choose a consequence for the outbursts. Deal with the behavior! If the small child is out of control, hug the child tightly so he cannot hurt himself or others. For the older child or teen, do not get drawn into the argument. Tell them you will discuss it when they calm down. Take a family time out. Then as he/she calms down, let him know what he has done wrong. As hard as it is to do, stay calm yourself. Your outburst will only give permission for the child to have outbursts. Third, during calmer times talk with the child, let him know that there will now be a consequence for unacceptable outbursts. Perhaps it is an extra chore that will take thirty minutes to complete. Something the child can complete and then discuss what they were frustrated about. For us it was writing. Our children had to sit and write a letter of apology to the person or parent they “attacked.” Lastly, find a time (when the child has calmed down) to sit and talk with the child about their anger. A great time for these discussions is sitting on the side of their bed that night. The emphasis is on “that night.” The Bible says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26b). Don’t let the child spend time in bed that night festering over the fact that they have done damage to their parent/child relationship. Dealing with the anger is to help the child learn skills for good future relationships. Life has disappointments and pain that will lead to anger. The parent’s role is to help the child deal with the anger without sinning. This process will not work in one month. It will, however, help the child grow up with a plan for dealing with their adult anger. This is what parenting is all about - seeing things in a child’s life that must be addressed while they are still children so that when they are old they will not depart from those lessons which have been taught (Proverbs 22:6). Visit parentingonpurpose.org for more advice from Dr. Bob Barnes and Torrey Roberts. Teaching Children How to Handle their Emotions - Dr. Bob Barnes and Torrey Roberts - Sheridan House Family Ministries
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