Good News - May 2021

LIVE THE LIFE 36 MAY 2021 www.goodnewsfl.org Good News • South Florida Edition When someone asks me what I’m afraid of, the song “Spiders and Snakes” by Jim Stafford always comes to mind. I can hear the tune and sing the lyrics of a boy walking a girl home named Mary Lou. They stop at a water hole, and as typical of a young boy, he picks up a frog and shakes it at her. She responds with “I don’t like spiders and snakes and that ain’t what it takes to love me. I wanna be loved by you.” Everyone has a fear of something. I’m afraid of spiders, snakes and heights. As a child I dreamed often that I was falling. Some friends recently went to the Grand Canyon, and I remembered when I took my kids years ago. They begged to ride the mules down to the bottom. I watched the movie of what it would be like and between the trail sometimes only being 18 inches wide and the possibility of falling or a snake appearing at that moment, there was NO WAY I was going to make that ride! I wasn’t going to allow the kids to do it either. Snakes, heights and falling was the trifecta of fear for me. We can usually over- come fear of objects or heights because we have control of those; we avoid them. Fears start in our past The more debilitating fears are usually fires that started in our past. Some are small campfires that we can hem in. Others are brush fires, but some are towering infernos and destroy our relationships with the people we love the most. Gary Smalley calls them “Core Fears.” Everyone has them, some more than others, but most people are unaware that we have emotional fears, and they are often the match that strikes the fire that could potentially burn our homes down. • Fear of failure or not being good enough • Fear of not being loved or being rejected • Fear of being alone and unwanted • Fear of being helpless or controlled • Fear of being worthless or inadequate Unless you identify your own Core Fear and understand how you tend to react when you get triggered or your "button gets pushed," your relationship will suffer every time. Identify your Core Fears The best way to discover your Core Fears is to identify a recent conflict, argument or negative interaction you had with your spouse, friend, child, neigh- bor, co-worker – something that really "pushed your buttons" and upset you. Think about how you were feeling and how you wished the person would not say or do the things that upset you. You might have said something like, "If only you would stop saying or doing ____, then I would not be so upset.” Ask yourself, "How did this conflict or negative interaction make you feel about yourself? What message did it send about you? What did the conflict ‘say’ about you?” - Lisa May - Executive Director Live the Life South Florida What Are You Afraid Of? As a result of the recent conflict I felt: Defective Inadequate Inferior Worthless Ignored Insignificant Rejected Unaccepted Unloved Judged Humiliated Helpless Dissatisfied Cheated Controlled Vulnerable Abandoned Disconnected Alone Unwanted Like a failure Unknown Invalidated NotGoodEnough Ineffective What the feeling sounds like: Something is wrong with me; I am the problem. I am not capable; I am incompetent. Everyone else is better than I am; I am less valuable or important than others. I am useless and insignificant; I have no value to the other person. The other person will not pay attention to me. I am irrelevant in the relationship; the other person does not see me as an important part of our relationship. The other person does not want me or need me. I am not necessary in this relationship. The other person does not like me as a person. I amnot liked and unpopular; people avoid being aroundme. The other person does not care about me; my relationship lacks warmattachment, admiration, enthusiasm, or devotion. I am always being unfairly judged; the other person forms faulty or negative opinions about me: I amalways being eval- uated; the other person does not approve of me. The relationship is extremely destructive to my self-respect or dignity. I cannot do anything to change the other person or my situ- ation; I do not possess the power, resources, capacity, or ability to get what I want; I will feel controlled by the other per- son; I feel powerless and out of control. I will not experience satisfaction in the relationship; I will not feel joy or excitement about the relationship. The other person will take advantage of me or will withhold something I need; I won’t get what I want. I have little say in this relationship; The other person domi- nates and makes decisions for me. I am not able to protect myself and am sure to be wounded and hurt by others. The other person will ultimately leave me. I will be left alone to care for myself. The other person won’t be com- mitted for life. I’ll become emotionally detached or separated. I will be left behind and become isolated from others. Peoplewouldprefer tospend timewithsomeoneother thanme. I’mnotsuccessfulatbeingahusband/wife/friend/parent/coworker. I won’t liveup toexpectations. Nobody will ever get close enough to me to actually get to know me. Who I am, what I think, what I do or how I feel is not valued. I’m never able to meet the other person’s expectations. I’ll never measure up. I can’t do anything right. My efforts always fall flat.